Friday, August 13, 2010

What's up, I'm knocked up...times two!!!

Well here I am, a 33 year old woman who has spent all of those years living for the moment and I find myself knocked up.  Thank goodness I am married to a great dude who can keep me grounded, well until I find out that it is twins I am carrying.  The twin thing took us both by complete and total shock as we had been "trying" to conceive or as I like to refer to it, NOT trying NOT to conceive for the better part of 6 months when the incident occurred.  I went for a viability ultrasound at 6 weeks along due to low progesterone.  I was preparing myself to hear bad news and that the pregnancy was not progressing.  Instead the ultrasound technician laughed a hearty laugh and delivered the news to Cory (the great husband dude) and I that we were expecting TWINS!!!!  No, we really don't have twins in either of our families to answer that question.  Apparently women in their 30s (that's me), have a unique reproductive response where the eggs are desperate to get the hell out of there and sometimes a few of them slide on down during ovulation instead of just one. 

I was initially shocked out of my mind that I was pregnant with twins.  I am now almost 17 weeks along and the shock has not really worn off.  I'm still having a hard time comprehending that I have two growing babies inside of my body.  We found out this week that we are having a boy and a girl and I feel so blessed to be able to experience this that I cannot even put it into words.  I am really excited but also pretty nervous and downright terrified of how I will cope and be as a mother to two newborn babies!

I'm writing this blog really for myself or anyone else who is interested in learning the real deal about pregnancy.  The ups and downs, seriously, it's not all rainbows and unicorns people!  I realized quickly after getting sperminated that there are plenty of not so pleasant attributes that other experienced mommies don't tell you.  Maybe they were so overwhelmed with love for their new babies they forgot some of the "body changes" that occur in pregnancy, or maybe they didn't want to scare you off.  I'm going to spill the real deal.  I'm sure all of these things are going to be worth it in the end, but I'm someone who likes to know what I'm in for and also that I'm "normal" so I will not hold back on the gory details.  I am still somewhat new to this pregnancy game and since it is my first, I can't say for certain if some of these symptoms I've felt so far are due to being pregnant in general or if they are exacerbated because it's twins but here is what I am dealing with so far:

1. Be prepared to piss your pants frequently
No really, I am serious. I am not talking about the tiny squirt you may have had when you laughed too hard before when you already had to pee.  I am talking about, you just went to the bathroom for the 15th time that hour and you happen to be sitting on the couch and out comes a sneeze.  Uh Oh!  You felt something down there come out when you sneezed! You wonder if it was just a tiny squirt and you are just being paranoid that your entire butt feels like you are sitting in a creek.  You consider just sitting there for another hour or two until your husband gets up so he doesn't see what you've done, but finally you realize you need to raise up and see the damage and sure enough the whole cushion has a nice big round pee ring on it.  Your husband looks at you in disgust and you just shrug as you get up to clean your own urine off the couch.  This is just one aspect that will make you super alluring to your mate.

2. Dry heaving or puking at inopportune times
You might wonder if there is an actual opportune time for puking and/or dry heaving, the answer is yes.  The best time is when you are in the safety and comfort of your own home and can heave without reservation, and not being mistaken for a bulimic and/or very hung over, as I was on a flight to Nashville from New York.  I had to go to the bathroom and actually use one of those airplane barf bags.  I heaved with all of my might in a bathroom the size of a thumb tack for about 10 minutes.  When I came out the first 10 rows of passengers were looking at me with a level of disgust I've only seen while being thrown out of a few bars in my life.  The flight attendant gave me the pity/disgust look and handed me a ginger ale.  I also threw up in my car after working a lunch in a doctor's office (I'm a medical sales rep).  It was about 100 degrees that day and I had just downed some chicken n dumplings from Cracker Barrel.  I got a nice twofer on this one because as soon as I put my car in drive I started heaving.  I searched for a bag and found a plastic Walgreens bag containing some lovely size XXXL granny panties I had recently purchased and threw the undies out of the bag.  I threw up in the bag while driving with one arm and trying to still look at the road since there was no where to pull over.  After the damage was done I looked down to see that my spanx under my work dress were completely soaked.  Awesome.  Not only had I puked in a bag in my car, I had also peed in my pants, lovely. 

3. You hate everyone
Hormones are a serious thing, people.  Think PMS times a thousand.  I have always had a high level of impatience with the rude, stupid, oblivious, rednecks of the world, but now I don't just have disdain for them.  I want to grab each of them by the neck and Jackie Chan karate kick them 48 times in the face and then pull their head straight through their bodies and right out of their asses. This includes anyone who; drives slow in the left lane, won't hold the door open for me when I'm right behind them, let their kids run through the store unsupervised, etc.  I have received (and I'm somewhat ashamed to say given) the finger from all ages and ethnicities.  It's safe to say I'm an equal opportunist when it comes to getting or giving the finger. 

4.  You will get huge boobs and hemorrhoids
Your boobs will expand to gargantuan proportions.  This is great if you are tiny and had small boobs to begin with, not so great if you are me and your boobs could be each used as a shelter from the rain for 4-5 people.  I'm certain that my boobs will never be the same after this and I will need a fork lift to pull them off the floor.  Hemorrhoids are another fact of pregnancy life that I thought came only after the babies were born, wrongo bongo.  It's starting to resemble a grape farm back there and I have to sleep with a tucks pad between my butt cheeks just to gather some relief.

5. A hunger like you have never known
I've always enjoyed food.  I might say I've even had a love affair with it.  Now though, I am like a horse at the trough and it seems like I can't get enough and I'm hungry every hour.  I am starting to very closely resemble Grimmace from McDonalds fame as I noticed while wearing a  purple shirt the other day.  Being only 17 weeks I shudder to think what it will be like two months from now.  Will I have to craft our king sized bed sheets into a moo moo for myself?  I've also noticed a new crop of fat and cellulite in places I didn't know it could exist.  Hello ear lobe cellulite! 

6. You get, everywhere!
I'm a pretty hairless individual.  I have arm hair that is barely visible to the naked eye and I shave my legs like twice a month.  I had no idea that you get hairier during pregnancy so imagine my surprise when my husband commented that shaving my nose hairs that were protruding out of my nostrils would be a swell idea.  After using his nose hair clippers and shearing my furry nose holes out I realized that I would also need to shave my pits and ahem, lady parts about every other day now.  I was starting to resemble a 70s porno and it was pretty scary.  Your hair on your head does get thicker and that is certainly a perk, but I am even getting a hairy stomach (which I'll be waxing pronto)!

These are just a few of the pleasantries of being pregnant.  It's not always pretty and I'm sure I'll be posting about more adventures in discovering new and exciting things like "the waddle" and fun topics like "weighing more than your husband".  I hope I've provided some insight for those who have yet to take a trip down the land of spermination.  Don't let it scare you, it's also pretty cool and just remember, just about anything is worth not having to suck in your gut for 9 months!


  1. OH are so freaking hilarious! I love your blunt honesty and really can see you telling these stories in person:) I know you've heard it a million times, but it IS worth it! I was very lucky that I only had the morning sickness and bigger (can you even imagine!) boobs...keep in mind...reduction is a good thing!

  2. Mandy,

    I am so glad you are doing this. Being preggers for the first time I feel the same way in almost all of these areas as you. I can't imagine having two inside of me when I can barely breathe normally, bend over, be in any position for more than 2 seconds comfortably, restrain myself from eating for 12, and the list goes on! I am like you in that I share every horrible and hilarious detail with all of my girlfriends so they know what's comin'! I can't wait to read all of your blogs as I was laughing out loud hysterically! Take care, Tyler (Marie's friend)

  3. Signing on to follow this. Can't wait til you get to month 8. This will be worth printing, binding, and selling.