Friday, February 17, 2012

"Breastfeeding makes you skinny" and other hipster lies.

I've been thinking about this blog for a little while and I haven't written it because I was trying to figure out a way to write it without offending people, then I realized that this is my own damn blog and if people are offended by my opinions then they can beat it.  However, I'm not nearly as hardcore of a non-carer what others think as I would like to let on or believe really, so let me first write this disclaimer before I get in to the opinion part...

 I can coexist with people who have different opinions than I do.  In fact, my own husband and I are on complete opposite political spectrums and we don't even believe in the same God.  Okay, well technically he is the same God, but you know, the J-Man, the dude that died on the cross to save our souls so we could have eternal life and all that?  The guy who my entire childhood foundation for life was built?  Yeah, my husband...not so much, not buying into the whole "Jesus" thing.  So, if he and I can live together and actually love each other through all of our differences on opinion, then surely, my friends and I can think differently about other things like child rearing and coexist and even respect one another.

There. Now, that being said, let me go ahead and say that if your child is able to walk up to you and ask you to please remove your top so he/she can suck your breast for milk in any way shape or form...I think you are CAAARAAZAY.  Also, let's get one big lie out the way here, "breastfeeding makes you skinny".  This is a complete bold faced lie made up by those militant crazy ladies from the La Leche League trying to get women to breast feed.  Not only does breast feeding NOT make you skinny (unless of course you were a complete skeleton to begin with and if so then why are you reading this blog because we are definitely not friends), but it makes you fatter or at least less skinny because each and every time you finish breastfeeding your little nugget, you are starving beyond any comprehension of a normal human.  You will dig through the garbage to find something edible, you will eat a living animal if it comes in your path.  Nothing will stop you from ingesting food and large quantities.  Try eating less while you breastfeed...I dare you.  Also, try working out with those huge ass knockers full of milk bouncing around.  I tried running one time and I could barely walk or stand up straight for a week.  Not to mention, while I was running a lady drove by me after I had been in motion for all of 8 seconds and yelled, "keep it up, you're almost there.

I breast fed L & C for 6 months.  I was committed to doing it and let me say, the bonding and all of that are great but for the most part, it sucked big time.  Let's just skip over the first part where you spend 99% of your first month figuring out how to get the baby (or babies) to latch, stay latched, and wonder if they are even getting anything out.  Blisters form on your nipples and they crack and bleed.  Each and every time the baby latches on you are in excruciating pain and want to cry, scream, cuss everyone on the planet out and sometimes you can even get something really awesome call mastitis which feels like the flu and is an infected milk duct. We know, we know, it's the best thing for your baby...blah, blah, blah.  I did it.  I wanted to do it for them, but let me tell you, I would NEVER judge anyone who didn't do it.  In hindsight, I wonder if I could have been a better mom had I been more worried about L & C's well being more than my constant obsession over whether I had enough milk and the endless cycle of bfing, pumping, cleaning, storing, etc. 

I'm going to say a dirty word now so all of you granola loving hipsters close your ears...BABYWISE.  Yep, I said it and I live by it.  I fully endorse this book and if you are one of those hipsters and you didn't close your eyes or ears, then let me ask...have you even read it?  In my experience most of the people who hate the book (and there are lots and lots who have a full on hatred for it), have not even read it.  The book is about a blend of what the baby tells you he/she needs and parental assessment.  My hubs and I followed it and it saved our life.  Some people think the book says don't hold your child and let them cry and pretty much just about die of starvation.  These people need to get a grip.  These are the same people who are letting their toddlers milk them like cattle and who are sleeping in the "family bed" with their children.  Don't even get me started on that complete insanity.  If you are "wearing" your child in a sling on your body for hours and hours each day, don't be surprised when he/she still lives in your basement when he/she is 30 years old, jobless, and asks you to hit up the grocery store to restock all their favorite items (organic only of course). 

Discipline is another hot button in our society these days.  Frankly, I don't see a lot of parents doing it at all.  I mean, sure you have the Walmart spectrum of some parents full on beating their kids in aisle 3 (disgusting and SO WRONG) and then you have the mother who is being beaten and told what to do by her bratty kid, looking broken and saying, "Please respect me, Stephen." as little Stevie is throwing everything off the shelf and telling his mother to "SHUT UP" (true sighting).  I am currently struggling with discipline in my own home because I have 13 month olds who hit, steal toys, etc. on the regular and don't seem to really get why they can't do it.  I know they are young, but we are starting the discipline now with not allowing toy stealing, hitting, etc.  We grab their hands, point, and give a firm, "NO".  They cry, throw themselves on the ground, scream, and we ignore.  Soon, we will step it up to time out land.  I hope more parents are disciplining their children because there really is nothing worse than a horrible brat of a kid and I can't help but believe that if you start from birth letting your kid call all the shots while you snap to it trying to fulfil their every need before you upset them one tiny bit, that you really are just breeding a generation of entitled bratty know it alls who think the world revolves around them and are the bane of society.  But again, that is just my humble opinion. 

So, all of you folks out there who differ from my opinion, can't we all just coexist and get along?  I'll do my part to ensure my kids are not the brattiest in the play group...and if they are, which I am sure they will be at some point, I WILL discipline them.  I respect each and every parent for their decisions because in the end, this having and raising kids thing is HARD.  It is way harder than most people (including me) realize before they do it.  To each his own, and do whatever you believe is right.  We can still be friends...but if you are in Target (because I don't really go to Walmart) and little Stevie is being a ginormous B-RAT and you are sweetly begging him to "respect you" when you have never demanded his respect or parented him since HE is clearly in charge, not you...then I will most definitely be silently judging you.


  1. Couldn't have said it better myself:) I have left a half full cart at the store when my little ones were being a brat about wanting something...we just left. Parents need to remember that they are the adult and don't need to cater to every whim of their child!

  2. i'm going on amazon right now to buy the book babywise. keep 'em coming. it's great 'head's up' information for me :)